This is what I want

WTF!!!???

2008-10-21T04:34:01Z

wow. I cannot believe i still have this thing. I was bored doing homework.....and was thinking of the old High School days. I forgot why i left this live journal party. WEIRD!
Anyways, I guess i should say hey. And this is my life so far. I was in San Fransisco for a minute and kept coming back to columbus. Too far from everyone. So good news, I am back in columbus and moved into a house with christopher. I am still going to AAU. But i am getting all my classes done via online. Trust me. IT IS SO MUCH EASIER!!!!!!
So i am a model now. Yeah, I have been "discovered" by small photogrpheres in the area. So far Morgan is my favortie photog.
uhhh.... My sister is pregnat with her 2nd child. So far Smith Micheal Baugher is a hand full... but with Attikus .... Baugher oh goodness!
So how is everyone? Probably forgot about me.. but i have been thinking of all of you guys! I miss my friends! I really dont have anyone but my Bar friends... Oh yeah. I work at a bar. And it is amazing. Love my job! Christopher still works at zwanzigs.
Oh and my Hair is brown.. like a dark brown. I look sooo much older. It was bleach blond for a minute.

Ahhhh this is crazy! kisses

Laura

best be getting back to my homework. I have midterms next week.. EEK!

This Year Will be Better then the Last

2007-03-01T21:41:56Z

Indeed. Finally getting ready to move away from this place.

New Life, New people, new... everything.

I cannot wait.

Check out this song.. Pretty much makes me WANT to go and be depressed... kind of.

This has been brought to you by a falling bomb By Thursday.

It is one of my favorites.

I miss everyone. Really i do. Right now my acar is being gay, and i hate it soo much!!!

I love you all.

finally

2007-02-06T00:50:43Z

so, a lot of pressing questions to be answered.

here i go.

Well to start off, i am really in love... with someone whom i know will never EVER hurt me in anyway shape or form... and his name is Christopher R. Fields.

I know that this is the real thing because he has proven himself.. not a whore. And i know that he will be there for me whenever i need help. He will never hurt me.

You have hurt me soo many times. That is one of the reason i don't feel for you at all. I have been hurt and it sucks. I know you will say i hurt you... but really... how did I? I went out with someone else besides you? Or what? yeah you had your chance... and it seems to me that you blew it..

You did stuff with loads of other girls, me included... then you swore up and down that you liked me soooo much you would never do such a thing. LIE! over and over again. I bet you are going to come back at me saying that when i was still kind of.. seeing reece, i did stuff with you. BIG MISTAKE on my part.

Now that i look at it.. i wish last year never happened because of all the shit everyone put me through. IT SUCKED thank you very much.

Bottom line is..

Yes i liked you once... but not anymore. I am in love. REAL LOVE, i am actually happy.. i am not worrying about anything.
I am not! Chris and I are making a big commitment together, him going with me to San Francisco. Nothing will change that.

I am in love.. and i have moved on major.

It is about time for you to do the same....

I know that this hurts, but sorry, it is the truth.

All i want for christmas

2006-12-16T19:22:10Z

is you...

the water looks mighty tempting.

2006-12-14T16:04:22Z

now i understant.... everything was a lie.

and i am left all alone again.

i should just turn over and drown.

to you..

2006-12-01T03:44:59Z

i hate all of this... i hate being so scared to talk to you about anything. i dont know what will happen.. what will be said.. and what we will do. It is scary. and i dont like it.

I am trying.. i really am.

but i guess it is just not hard enough for you...

sorry you ever fell for me in the first place.. you can hate me now.

All i want is an hour.. but i aint got the time.

2006-11-19T04:31:49Z

Indeed. My pride is shattered... and alll hope is lost. What is going to happen now? What will this world come to in the end?

Where i am left? All i know is that i AM left with nothing. That is great... I have nothing.. left in the middle of no where.

Know the feeling?

I missing something great. I shouldnt have done the things i did. I shouldnt have listened to myself.

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME.....

why?

I cant run from anything anymore. It is like a nitemare... when you cant runaway from something bad (monsters and what not) because you arent running fast enough. You cant run fast, no matter how hard you try...

i am running as fast as i can.. and still... my problems cant seem to leave me alone. I have no where to hid.

I just want you.. to be with me right now.

i miss you.

you should know who you are.

(hopefully)

Missing You

2006-11-12T23:27:08Z

A Weekend with out him makes me go insane.

Pretty much I have been bored out of my mind. So i have been working my fingers to the bones.

dull weekend.

boyfriend

2006-10-29T20:06:19Z

t\yes. it is true. as of last night that is. and i am happy.

moving far from grace

2006-10-26T02:48:47Z

Indeed. Right now.. i want to kcick someone realllllllllllllyyyyyyy hard in the face. And her name is Amy... oh yeah and some other girl named Missy. (not you missy knorr) They are dumb.. and i dislike them very much.

GAH Dumb Bitches.

any who.........

1/2 day tomorrow. Hanging out with the love of my life... well not really the love of my life. But hanging out with some one i LOVE hanging out with... yeah you guessed it. CHRIS! yay!.

Cannot wait til tomorrow.

Why cant time wait for just a second?

2006-10-18T00:08:15Z

That is all i want to know...

laura

life....

2006-10-13T23:25:16Z

Ok.. i am done. I hate being the only one stuck in the middle. Why wont anyone just let me run my own life. THEY all feel like they have to take a part of something.

i cant even stand to look at myself in the mirror any more.

When can i stop? i dont think ever.

2006-10-01T21:38:00Z

Dont you just love listening to songs with lyrics that have something to do with the way you feel at the time? Because i know i do. It is sooo silly.

I am crazy.

Uhh soo...

I am going to see Panic! At the Disco again in November. (I am really going for Bloc Party.. i like them a lot)

gah.. i dont know what to do. I am bored.

I got kind of drunk last night and tried to sleep with chris.. But i was wide awake. and he was.. well trying to sleep. He did stay up with me for a bit and we talked. I liked it. I like him.   then i feel asleep.

Kyle White was sooo wasted last night. It was hilarious. poor guy.

i need two more.

2006-09-29T18:08:59Z

Ok... so my birthday was pretty much AWESOME.

After school i got to hang out with Chris, Mallie, Baylee, Ben, Jordan, and Kyle. Baylee and Jordan made and bought me wonderful food. Brownies and Cookies. Oh goodness the BEST! Mallie put a movie in the DVD player for my birthday... (pretty much awesome... because that movie is amazing)

Yeah.. and then a whole lot of people came over to the APT... Shannon, Julie, Roy, SHELLY!!!!!, Joe, some chic i didnt know... and i am not to sure who else came by.. but it was cool.
Chris was a real sweet heart for the night.

Ended up falling asleep on Julies Floor though.. that was a fun time!

Yeeah.. Thanks to those who made me the happiest 18 year old ever!

now i can legally by porn, Cigs, and lottery Tickets.

I am loving life right about now.

Short

2006-09-22T19:12:57Z

Jack ass tonight.

I like this game.

I am dying

2006-09-22T02:50:14Z

BLACK DALHIA SUCKS. dont go see it.

Trust me.

uhh..
so i guess chris and i are offical. AMAZING! yeah.. i am excited. We arent Boyfriend Girlfriend... (yet) we are just dating it up. :D

I am excited

i havent been to school for almost 2 weeks.

For everyones info.

Things have happened which have been detaining me from doing my regular duties. So to all, i appoligize.

Life moves me.

2006-09-18T20:22:12Z

FUCK! we didnt hang out yesterday. :( You never called.. i tried calling you.. but no answer. I thought you were sleeping. :( we mustmake it up!

I havent been to school in 5 days. Sweet! and i am not going to be in school for 7 more day.. even more sweet. God, i love istep.

Everything is better now. I feel wonderful!

Keeping Quiet is hard.

2006-09-09T19:14:54Z

I am slipping from my reality really fast. and i dont know if i could do anything worth while.
I dont even know if i can believe anymore. I am trying to wish this all away, but everytime i look up to the sky, the stars are always covered up by clouds.
It hurts to be honest to the one you love.
I want to believe so hard, but this wish isnt happening. My fairy tale end is destroyed and i dont think i can even see the ending of this nightmare. All i want to do is run or jump into someone's good dream and live there. I cannot take this lie inside, i cannot take this feeling that i did something wrong and i cant fix it anymore. Finally, something i cannot change... i have no control and that is the reason why i feel so.... wrong.
You were my angel behind that mask of perversness. You were my light even though all i wanted to see was dark. You were my happiness when i felt like i was going to die.
I dont understand this feeling. I want to love you like you do me, but something in me is warning me and telling me i shouldnt. i am not ready to love someone yet because i still love a man who flew away from me. It just takes time they say, but this feeling will always be the same. I will never love you the way i love him. And it hurts to say this at all. It just hurts.

no title

2006-09-03T04:15:27Z

i regret ever falling away from you.

Basically the only thought going through my mind right this second.

enjoy my thought.

Last night.

2006-09-02T19:34:56Z

Was crazy! the attack of the Scarlet Fever!! ahhhhhh! yeah everyone survived it though! (thank god)

i iwll tell more later...

Please

2006-08-31T03:27:04Z

NO MORE OF THIS!

You know what?

2006-08-30T20:54:16Z

i dont know... but look at my latest entry!

stuff.. again

2006-08-29T03:20:45Z

I dont know what to do. I am stuck in this battle of feelings. I dont know what i want. All i know is that i dont want to get serious with anyone.. well at least not yet.
I dont want to experience love, because all i learned from it is that sometimes it is a dead feeling.
I cant control who i want to be with. I really really like someone, but then .. there is someone else who i really like. the thing is.. i think that i like someone more than the other. And i dont know. I just dont want anyone to get hurt. And i know the place i am in right now, someone is going to. AND I DONT WANT IT TO HAPPEN. i just dont know how to stop it from happening.

I feel gross....

So once, a long while ago, i thought i loved someone. And when i told them, it seemed to make them distant from me. And it hurt me more than anything. To know that i just poured my emotions out on a plate, and then turned down like some over cooked food. I am not sure what is real anymore and what is pretend. I dont want to do this anymore.

Once in a short while ago, I reunited with a boy. He is amazing and always has been. I thought we hit it off right then and there. (at the movies when i was kind of on date with someone else.) But yeah, we started to hang out like crazzy, nothing to serious or anything. then, the climax. He told me that he really liked me, i told him i that i really liked him. and that night we fell asleep in each others arms. that next day was a whole mess.. turns out, his ex wanted to hang out, they were at the same party i was at.. he failed to even say hi to me. THAT hurt me the most... (you know the whole night i felt so used and worthless.)

But later, he told me how sorry he was and how messed up his ex was. (not to mention how crazy.) And i forgave him.. and lately he has been letting me know in small amounts how much he truely likes me. And t, oh i dont know.. it is just cute. I like him.

so yeah... basically, i dont want to be in a relationship right now. As you can tel... i have some trust issues, and i guess i just dont feel to comfortable with myself to actually make a small commitment of any sort. Right now the only pressing matter at hand are:
The Phantom Toll Booth
Auditions for Tewlfth Night
Log
Showcase
and.. My awesome 18th b-day party my awesome friends are throwing for me.

and i like what i have right now.. with everyone.
Friendships are the most important thing a girl can ever ask for.

Just another me

2006-08-22T00:22:15Z

I dont know if i like the person i have become. The thought process is a little wacked up.
I like the idea of me now. But i dont want to see what is going to come next?

Not drugs. I refuse.

I guess it is so hard to compete with myself. That is all i seem to be doing to myself. Trying to make myself thinner, taller, prettier, and just.. better. You know... so someone would take a keen notice to me. I do this to myself, but i lie about it to myself. I tell myself, "I love being single." but in real life.. i am dying to be with someone. I know this is silly.

I have reece.

WRONG. He is just my friend. i love him to death, but i am not inlove with him. at least not anymore.

I have Chris.

RIGHT.. but wrong. HE is there, but he cannot be there for me all the time. I mean, he has graduated high school. He has a job. and he doesnt have a car currently. It sucks. It would be ok, if my car was fixed and my family wasnt crazy. I like him a lot.

I have Ben.

RIGHT, but i guess it is just so hard to go back to him. I like that kid to death. but i guess my Wall of Anit-hurt is forming up. I guess i am too afriad that i might get hurt again.

See i am torn. I dont know what to do anymore. Sure i can not think about it. BUT NOT THINKING about it is driving me crazy.

i just want to be held. right now.

I want to be with.....

him.

New

2006-08-15T23:40:34Z

Gah! I went to White Rock today. AMAZING. Lets see... I went with Ben Morrow, Josh Morrow, Balyee Pruitt, Kyle White, Natasha (his gf) and Jordan Maus!. I jumped off a 45ft cliff into water. The best thing to end my summer.
Yeah hahaha.

Wow, talk about the past. I dont even know.. i have been thinking a lot about all the people i miss, and all the people i love(d)

I love a new school year..